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First Chance at Love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have incredible standards. I am never attracted to anyone who isn’t a perfect 10. I’m a junior in high school, and I have never had a girlfriend. It’s not that I have no confidence or I’m butt ugly or anything. Normally the girls I like are out of my league. My best friend introduced me to a girl just recently, about a month ago. She wasn’t a super model, but there was an instant attraction to her. She doesn’t treat me like the other girls.

Now, all of my friends know that I am interested in her. I think she may be interested in me. We have a lot of physical contact in school and she makes me walk her to class. It’s hard, though. My best friend, we will call him Fred, is best friends with her. He constantly offers his help, which I don’t always want.  Another thing is, he’s always around when I am with her. Since they are best friends, he’s too much of a distracter and he steals time I want with her. I can’t invite her to just hang out with me one on one, that’s too forward. When we all hangout, the same thing happens. It’s also like, we are really good friends in school. Outside of school, we don’t talk much outside of facebook (yes I know). We have talked on the phone once, she called me. Apparently Fred and her talk on the phone constantly. She isn’t interested in Fred, though. Fred is more of the “best friend” guy, not the boyfriend.

What do you suggest I do? Should I grow some balls and call her? That’s random, what would we talk about? How do I get my relationship deeper with her, while Fred is there? How can I take the spotlight off him? ~Ready for First Base~

 

Published under copyright by Loveawake dating site. © Copyright 2009-2021. All rights reserved.

 

Dear RFB: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you know the answer to this already: grow some balls and call her. Clearly, she’s already demonstrated sufficient testicular fortitude to call you, right? If she’s not interested in Fred, but he’s constantly mucking up your time with her, then the BSG thinks it’s likely that Fred is interested in her and is using his powers of annoyance to ruin your chances. Sounds like he’s succeeding, eh RFB?

Call her on the phone and talk to her. Invite her out for an eggnog latte…it’s the season for those, right? Yes, it’s forward and yes it may seem random, but it will send the message that you want to send which is “I’m interested in you.” Annnddd……GO!

By the way RFB, “only interested in those who are a perfect 10″? The BSG promises that approach to love is going to bite you in the ass sometime, so he recommends getting ready.

Sort of Broken Up

Dear Loveawake: I have been dating pretty non-stop for the past 11 years since my divorce. All of them were kind of long-distance relationships where we saw each other on weekends, and I always had my space and “freedom”. Then 4 mos ago,I met a guy who was absolutely tender, sweet and affectionate, and he looked after me. We spent three mos practically living together (he came over one night and never left ..) It was not a perfect relationship but it was perfectly normal and we both were very happy and most definitely in love. Then I started noticing all the classic symptoms of depression and withdrawl. I did not know what was going on, then he told me that it was his job (he is 100% commission sales person, and in this economy, I can only imagine what it is like having a job like that ..) But still I was not able to relate to his situation completely and kept pushing (I have a highly-paid job and I am not patient ..) I felt rejected and in the same time, my legacy commitment phobia raised its head. I kept having long, drawn-out conversations, and we picked fights with each other. This went on for about a month and half. During which, I broke up with him two and half times, but every single time he came back and tried to make up.  But then I did not see the “necessary” improvement I wanted, I got upset again. Eventually I asked him to take all his stuff out of my place.  And finally he told me what was going on – besides his dead-end job and ahole boss, he is still entangled in a complete financial diaster from the divorce (which was finalized a year before we met.)  And that a week a ago.
Before I left, we sat in his car and talked for two and half hours, and about many things (memories of past good time, what he did that hurt me, and what I did that was unreasonable, and why logically, it is the right decision for both of us not to date.) I gave him a hug and said: take good care of yourself.  He replied: why did you say that?  you don’t want to talk to me ever again?  I said: no, that is not what I meant. I am not like that.

Anyway, here is my pain:I broke up with him not because I did not care about him or did not want to be him anymore. I realized that due to the current circumstances (that his personal life is a mess) a new relationship and a demanding girlfriend is the last thing he needs to deal with right now.  But I am still so emotionally attached to him because the time we spent together, we were like family. I don’t want to date him now, but I also don’t want to lose him or cast him out of my life all together. Do I hope or at least pray that if his situation improves, we should both give it another try – absolutely.  But right now, I don’t know exactly what to do to accomplish seemingly contradicting goals – letting him know that I want to support him as a friend even that means giving him space and time, and reminding him that I still love and care for him.

He has txted me and called me apologizing for having hurt me and asking me how I was doing during past week.  I was not going to respond to any of it, but on Thur, I did pick up one call, and we talked for a while (about his job, my work, my weekend plan, etc.) He called me again Thur night, but no VM. I did not call back until last night. But he didn’t pick up. I did not leave a message (What do you say?)

Sorry for the long winding message – I am seeing a therapy now as I am “officially depressed”. But I am really curious to hear what SBG has to offer as alternative! ~On Again Off Again~

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake Spain. © Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.

Dear OAOA: Loveawake think you’re thinking too much about this (therapy will do that to you). Breakups are never easy even if they’re for the right reasons. You’re feeling a typically loss at the breakup even though you initiated it. Don’t make this guy’s life any more difficult by breaking up with him then refusing to let go.

If you want to get back together, you should think about what YOU’RE going to do to change… you have made this all about your Charming Chap when in the experience, it’s rare that breakups are anyone’s “fault”.

In short OAOA, break up or get back together, but stop stringing this guy along.

Relationship Advice: Know When it’s Over

Dear Loveawake: I’m confused and hurt.  My boyfriend of four years and I have been living apart since June due to our occupations.  Due to the nature of my job as a guide on wilderness trips we were only able to communicate once a week during the summer.  September rolled along, and my guide job ended, but I’m still living many states away.  In September he was pretty upset and depressed about his living situation, and we would talk on the phone for hours.  The night before he left for a new job in California, he told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids!  Then mysteriously, since mid September we have only had one 5 minute conversation which was from a payphone!

He assured me that he still loved me but was super busy with his new hectic job, and no doubt from the sounds of it.  He does not write (even though I sent him self-addressed stamped envelopes!) and he rarely responds to my e-mails in brief non-descript messages.  I’ve been trying to tell him to freaking borrow someone else’s phone if he can’t afford the payphone, but seemingly to no avail.  It’s mid October now, and one five minute conversation is not enough.  What should I do?  I think I have tried every possible means of communication at this point.  I fear that his actions may speak louder than words.  But why would he have talked of marriage and then nada?  Do I give him some more time, or do I give him an ultimatum?  I have made it abundantly clear in my correspondences that I’m unhappy with this situation.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Thanks for your help! ~Long Distance Turmoil~

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake. © Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.

Dear LDT: The Loveawake wonders if, through some weird rift in the space-time continuum, you have written to him from the early 80s? Your Waffling Wooer has only communicated by payphone? The BSG is hard-pressed to even think of where there IS a payphone in his town. Similarly, you sent Waffling Wooer something called a “self-addressed stamped envelope”? En-vell-op? What is this thing? The BSG jokes with you in your pain LDT, not because he doesn’t care, but because…well…it makes him smile.

But let’s get to your questions, shall we LDT? The Loveawake is going to channel one of his alter egos: the Bitter Science Guy. The BSG knows, as many of his readers know, that waaaay out in space when a star gets really old, it can sometimes get really bright just before being reduced to a lump of coal (the BSG is thinking about Christmas, sort of). Scientists, including the Bitter Science Guy, call this a supernova, and if one were wont to think of stars as people (and the BSG is wont), one could imagine the star giving its last boost of enthusiasm before fading away forever.

The BSG suspects that Waffling Wooer is much like a star going supernova in that he feels the end of your relationship coming, so he throws out the last bit of brightness he can muster.  Marriage! And offspring!! This will be perfect!!! Watch us shine…oh wait…I’m busy at work…I live far away… And from there, Waffling Wooer fades to a lump of coal (the metaphor breaks down in there somewhere, but you get the BSG’s drift).

So first LDT, let’s do away with the idea that his marriage proposal should somehow influence your decision (you know where the BSG is going, he thinks).

Second, believe it or not the BSG, among his many jobs, was once a wilderness guide, too and he knows what it’s like to be out of touch with civilization and relationships while tramping around in the woods. The BSG recalls that many of his coworkers had as much difficulty as the BSG in managing relationships in that job. Some might say that the folks who choose careers that keep them entirely out of touch with the world for days and weeks at a time have a larger issue to address, but the BSG will let that sleeping dog lie.

OK LDT, the BSG has rambled on sufficiently. He suspects (as you do) that your relationship is going the way of that supernova. Here are the things working against you:

  • Your job keeps you out in the woods for up to a week without communication.
  • Your boyfriend has a job that keeps him similarly busy, although not in the woods (random, but seemed important to call out).
  • You live a few states away.
  • He’s not communicating in a way that works for you (or would work for anyone, probably).

This combination of conditions doesn’t bode well. Here’s the plan: Email him or send him a letter. (the BSG is sort of astonished that a payphone is the best he can do when he apparently is working a lot. Odd.) In the letter, tell him that the foundation of a long-distance relationship is frequent communication and that when he’s got time for his relationship with you he should let you know and perhaps you can get back together. Yes, the BSG just recommended that you dump Waffling Wooer.

You’ll either shock him into stepping up, or he’ll tuck his tail between his legs and agree that this is for the best. If it’s the tail-tucking option, you’ll go through significant anger because he obviously hoped that you would step up and take responsibility for the breakup that he couldn’t seem to manage. The BSG encourages you to embrace this anger. Waffling Wooer should be stepping up here, and the BSG finds himself annoyed without even knowing him. Grrr…

The BSG is sorry for your breakup LDT. Even if you haven’t said the words yet, the BSG is pretty sure that not talking to someone who wanted to marry you for more than a month indicates it’s time to move on.

 

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